Stephen White - Novel Spark
The album I have been working on since 2019. After so many failures and disappointments, Novel Spark was finally able to see the light.
In July 2018, I was finishing my degree in Digital Cinema and Post-Production, while also studying Contemporary Singing and Music. Midway through that month, I met up with DJ, my college colleague who was studying to be a drummer. Both of us had a fixation and fondness for Interpol, and we came up with the idea of creating a tribute band. DJ contacted a good friend of his, who turned out to be a big fan of the music of that band as well. That time, we met at a Burger King near the university and began to develop the project.
DJ reached out to another colleague of his from another university he had attended. A bass player had joined the lineup.
Every Friday night, we would meet at DJ's house to rehearse, and we gave a few concerts in my father's warehouse, and boy, did we have a lot of fun.
It wasn't long before the group was no longer interested in doing covers but in creating original music. They wanted to transition from a cover band to an original band. That's when I began writing a few songs for the new project, and clearly, we also needed a new name, as we used to call ourselves 'The Obstacles' in tribute to Obstacle 1 - Interpol.
Weeks later, we were ready in the process of changing our entire musical paradigm. I came up with the idea to name the band 'NEW', as I wanted to implement a new musical subgenre in the category of modern rock.
On December 25, 2018, I went to DJ's house and said: 'You have to hear this'. We locked ourselves in my truck to listen to the demos I had made for the first album.
DJ kept making that impression and longing gesture to fast-forward to the future, turned his head slightly towards me, and said: 'This is going to be a new gem for the world'.
I decided to create the best album I could ever write.
I locked myself in my apartment for months to have 10 finished demos to present to the group.
The guitarist and I sometimes had creative differences, which delayed the recording process a bit, but finally, the album was ready to be recorded, we just had to find a producer.
My musical contacts recommended 'Chinito', a quite young music producer with very big ambitions. When I told him about the project and sent him our demos, he did not hesitate to schedule a meeting to learn more about the purpose of NEW.
We had an incredible talk and many expectations were on the table, there was just one problem... the budget.
We knew this would be a good project, so we had to invest in it to achieve our goals. Gradually, each member started leaving the project. It turned out that everyone had other priorities, but not me, I was not going to let go of this project so easily.
I had set a date and a budget with Chinito, I knew that if I postponed this or simply altered something in the plan, it would end up not happening. I remember my words very well in that last meeting I had with the group: 'I'm going to make this album, with or without you'. A few weeks later, I was already in Morelia, at Chinito's house discussing the process and production of the album.
Finally, we arrived at Testa Studio.
They allowed us to lock ourselves in the studio for 12 days to record and mix the entire album.
I tried to bring to the table all the elements I could think of since I wrote the album. Pianos, guitars, basses, synthesizers, even an orchestra. Everything I could.
Chinito recorded all the drums for the album in just one day. The next day, he recorded the bass and we even had time to go out for dinner. It was a lot of fun.
It took me 3 days to record the vocals and 1 day to record the guitars, including an extra day for recording pianos and synthesizers.
KB, the studio engineer, called a couple of his friends to bring a mini orchestra to the studio. That's right... a mini orchestra.
And, why did I want an orchestra?
'No Place Like Home' has a section of the song that includes an orchestra, paying homage to one of the most enigmatic albums in the world.
'Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band'.
Chinito and KB said, 'You want it, you got it'."
Finally, I returned to Mexico City waiting for the master of the album. When the finished project arrived in my email, I did not hesitate to hit 'play' while I was on the metro of the city with my headphones.
I listened to it from start to finish, listened to it again, and after so many rounds, I didn't know what to say.
The project wasn't ready, I didn't like the result, could it be that they didn't fully understand me? Did I not explain myself well? What were the mistakes I made for the result to be this?
More than $50k MXN ($3K USD) invested in this album and the result was what I had in my hands.
I decided to put the project on hold. I didn't want to make any changes, Chinito was indifferent to my decision, but something inside me knew that the project wasn't ready to be heard.
Then the pandemic happened, I lost my best friend, I lost my grandfather, I was evicted from my apartment, and I was left without a job. All I wanted to do was not think about ending my life again.
A couple of years later, after finishing the 'Star #1' project, my great friend Hans told me on the Christmas before 2023: 'I'm going to propose something to you, I will mix and help you record what is missing from your album, but you need to let that project go. You need to let it go, move on, and stop believing that this is the best thing you've done in your life, because surely after so many years, this new Stephen can surely do something much better than this, let it go.'
I moved to Morelos, re-recorded 50% of the album again, and handed it over to Hans.
We started releasing song by song on the platforms to see the reaction of the networks.
I wasn't expecting anything, and I still don't.
Maybe Hans was right, maybe this isn't the best project I've done yet...
One thing is for sure, in my head, I will always believe that this album could have sounded better.
COUNTDOWN
"For this is going to be, a Novel Spark"
The album had to start with a speech. We hired a couple of voice-over talents from London for this segment, and I thought to myself: Why not make it a New Year's celebration?
A little reflection to understand what this album is going to be about, letting go of what has been tormenting me for years. Not starting over, but rather beginning a new chapter in my life, as if it were a great inspiration, a supreme, novel spark, so...
NOVEL SPARK
"This feels like something new, like I've never felt before"
Clearly, I'm talking about welcoming the new stage of my life. Inviting anyone who listens to be a part of it. The relief of finally letting go of what has been tormenting me for years.
What I thought would be the best project of my life.
The excitement of feeling that I was just two steps away from living what I had been longing for since childhood.
SURPRISE
"I just wanna wake up from now, just listen and enjoy all my life"
In July 2018, my first anxiety attack appeared. A terrible anxiety crisis, I couldn't breathe, I had tachycardia, I was sweating all over and I couldn't stop thinking about a dream that made me doubt my sexuality. Well, it's not relevant, but it was the trigger for my anxiety crises.
Gradually I discovered that it was just a fear I had for a long time, and actually I was afraid of not becoming what I always wanted to be: A successful musical artist with a big family.
Immediately after my first anxiety attack appeared, I started going to therapy.
I had no idea who to turn to, how the process worked, how long it would take to recover.
They said everything was going to be okay, that the pills would help me feel better, that it was all a progression, or that it was just mental.
I couldn't wait to surprise everyone with a radical change in my life, with a new chapter.
MAGIC DAYS
"I just wanna wake up from now, just listen and enjoy all my life"
FOR THEM
"I'm on board to say goodbye, to tell all who I really am"
For many years, I focused on carrying out tasks and projects that were not aligned with my lifestyle, helping my family a lot and trying to keep up with my friends. My goals were huge; I had set the bar very high for myself. If I wanted to transform into the artist I have longed to be, I had to make a big change.
I was tired of following the rules, of doing what my friends or family thought was best for my life.
After helping many with their problems, I knew it was time to dedicate myself to me.
I decided to take control of my own life.
When I wrote 'Surprise', it felt so bittersweet and catchy that I felt like I needed one more track... sweeter. Then came 'Magic Days', something sweeter than 'Surprise', just maybe not entirely.
This song talks about how much I thought about my future when I finally got to meet the love of my life, what my life would be like with her, with my children, in another country, etc.
I thought a lot about the future, I imagined too many things, I never stopped imagining how wonderful my life would be, being with the love of my life.
That she would make my days magical...
WAYS TO BE FINE
"What am I suppose to do, I need to figure it out"
This song sometimes I feel or listen to it like the evil younger brother of 'Surprise'. But then I remember: -Surprise is just as desperate and chaotic, just sweeter. When I wrote 'Ways to be Fine', all I could think about was the desperation, anxiety, and irritability I felt every day when I woke up. I couldn't stand to see myself, with a 'gone' look and a ghostly appearance.
Every day I woke up calm, without anxiety, stress, or worries. At the same time, I also didn't have happy moments, nor calm, nor enjoyable ones, I was just... there, existing.
Then I understood, the medications I was prescribed were only masking me, covering my feelings, when in reality I should face them.
I had 2 suicidal attempts. Fortunately and clearly neither worked.
One night while my mind was spinning, I decided to end my mental sufferings and pains.
I went to the highest part of the building where I lived, there was a very high balcony so if someone had the desire to jump, they would definitely have to be very sure to climb so high. I did, my feet were sticking out of the wall where I was standing.
I began to wobble, my life didn't flash before my eyes, I only saw the bad things, what I wanted to run away from and thought I would never find a solution for.
I wobbled more and more until I felt that someone or something pulled me by the neck of my long shirt, which made me go backwards and fall to the ground. I tried to put my hands out to counteract the impact but still hurt myself.
I was on the ground for a few moments when suddenly I got up as quickly as possible. Who pulled me by the neck? Did my dad wake up in the middle of the night and realize I wanted to do this? Was a neighbor there and saw me? I couldn't see anything, but I was almost sure no one was with me.
After a few minutes, I went downstairs and a neighbor was at her door. Looking at me, she asked if I had heard that bang coming from her roof or if I had caused it.
Clearly I wasn't going to tell her I went upstairs to commit suicide but didn't succeed. I just told her I thought I had left my clothes on the clothesline and I tripped because it was so dark.
GHOST
"You said that I won't fail, you said that I'll be fine"
In 2019, it was precisely the year when my heart was broken and pulverized.
As I have previously told in 'Awaiting EP', I fell in love with a girl who worked at the university where I studied.
After sharing some moments together and being together for a short period, I decided to step aside so as not to obstruct myself in a relationship she was going through at that time.
When her relationship ended and we met again, my heart took control of my actions and forced me to express what I felt for her.
She also gave me a confession, only that it was not of love.
It turned out that she was only feeling confused and vulnerable. That's why she came to me because I was present in that stage of her life.
For months, her presence tormented me. I couldn't get her out of my head.
At first, I denied it every time someone pointed out what was already obvious.
But the more I got to know her, the more I found reasons to fall in love.
For a short period of time, I believed she was the soulmate I had been looking for all these years.
And when you cling to a future that doesn't exist, it hurts.
It doesn't just hurt, you feel empty. You unconsciously created an extra part of your body and now that you've gotten used to it, having it ripped away from you makes you feel like you will always be missing that part.
Despite still seeing her ghost behind me to this date (Nov '23).
I decided to move on with my life and use her memory to remind me what it feels like to truly love someone.
STONE HEART
"Train hard a guarded mind to stay away from my Stone Heart".
They say we create our own monsters.
They say the one you should fear the most in this world is yourself.
I had a short relationship in 2020 and have had some since then.
All of them have something in common, someone always ends up hurt in the relationship, and it's always them.
Okay, I might sound very 'heartbreaker' or like a 'Casanova' and many men might feel a certain 'flattery' hearing those words when they refer to them. But when the story repeats itself and you are the trigger, the guilty one, the reason, or the problem, you surely will wish to be that weird guy no one talked to or the other ugly guy in school who never had a girlfriend.
Comparing one relationship to another is not about comparing one girl to another, but rather in my case 'what did I do before that I didn't do this time', 'what changes were there in me'. This helps me understand if there was progression and advancement in my person, or if I simply continued to be the witch in another girl's fairy tale on the list.
Sometimes I feel as if I've been cursed that all the relationships I'm in will end in failure.
And the worst part of all, that I am the cause of that failure.
THE END?
"Wondering what are you afraid of, I did not come to take you just then"
Here is my second suicide attempt, a couple of months after what happened that time on the roof of my building. My father was sitting in the living room watching a football game, I don't even remember if it was really soccer or American football, I just remember that day he was somewhat sick. I didn't get out of bed and didn't want to recover. I remembered having seen a movie where a girl takes all the pills she found in her room to escape an unhappy marriage.
So it came to my mind: 'Is it possible that you can die from an overdose of a mixture of pills?'
My father had a medicine cabinet with hundreds of pills, band-aids, and many other things.
I didn't know what I had taken, I just knew I was determined to try again. I locked myself in the bathroom and started taking the pills one after the other.
Maybe I consumed more than 35 pills in total. I immediately went to bed and began to feel strange.
My feet felt too cold, my hands too, and gradually my ankles and legs felt the same.
I felt much colder inside my body.
My heart was racing, -Is this what it feels like? I thought. Then I began to imagine how my death would affect the lives of others. What would my mother say when she finds out her son committed suicide, or how would my father react to seeing me dead in the room, what would my friends say when they learn of the death of their friend Osvaldo.
Immediately I felt a terrible stomach pain. It felt like someone had stabbed me with a knife and was eagerly turning it in my intestine. Suddenly, I jumped out of bed, ran to the bathroom, and vomited. I vomited everything, I was there for a while. How happy I was that my father had fallen asleep as usual, otherwise he would be giving me a sermon about the gift of life.
Going back to bed, I couldn't stop thinking about why.
Two failed suicide attempts, there was something I didn't expect that caused both events to fail. Could it have been a sign? Could it be that my destiny was already written and I shouldn't die this way?
The only thing I could think of was that if the universe wanted to keep me alive at least for a while, it was because I was key to some important event. The question was and still is:
For what.
PEACE
"I know the cure, am I now in peace"
Finally, I had stopped self-medicating, in a bad way I understood that there was a lot inside me that needed to be repaired. I couldn't let my actions control me, not this time.
I had to find a way out of there and to return to that state of peace that I loved so much before I wanted to be a musical legend.
But the problem is still going to be there. No matter how many goals or desires I have created to replace my big dream of being a great artist. The longing is always going to be there.
My anxiety and my great stress are never going to leave me in peace.
Until my dream comes true.
HOPE
"I'm still falling and I'm still calling for you and all your troubles"
This song maybe shouldn't have been on the album, but I remember writing it in August 2016 while experimenting with hundreds of songs I had on iTunes, from my local library.
Back then, I had more than 124 unfinished songs, it was crazy, I didn't know what to do with so many songs. Every time I intended to finish a song, I got frustrated and started a new one.
And, why is this song on this album? 'Hope' talks about none other than... her. That girl who broke my heart a few years ago. Everyone wanted to be with her. Whoever spoke to her for the first time, fell deeply in love with her.
She had dark brown eyes, very ordinary for a girl everyone would fall in love with. Her hair was black and blue-toned, I could swear sometimes I thought its color turned somewhat magenta at night, or maybe it was just my eyes seeing that event.
She had thin and small lips, her nose was short and perfect. But her imperfect spots made her perfect.
She had freckles all over her face, you could notice how her gaze seemed out of a cartoon, now I saw why everyone fell in love.
When I left classes, the only thing that motivated me to stay in school was to pass by her office and look at her for a moment.
I could notice how her cheeks blushed when I came to greet her, there was always someone who wanted to greet her, she was never alone, coincidentally.
I wonder what she is doing now...
NO PLACE LIKE HOME
"Greetings, here's my destiny. See you all at the next stop".
The grand finale
I knew I had to close the album with a very good song. A song that reminds us of the symbolism behind the project.
I remember writing this song when I was tired
of living at my father's house and not having a home of my own.
Sure, we all have a place to go. But since I was little, I remember that all my life I always shared a room with my brother, I never had my own room, not even in the apartment where I lived. Because that was also the space where my brother slept every time he came for a weekend, or also when he didn't want to do anything and felt like being himself in the apartment, it was really uncomfortable.
A big goal that I had been setting for a long time was to have my own space, a place where I could decorate it my way, where I can say this is MY HOME and finally use the phrase that I will one day say with so much longing 'There's no place like home'.
Now you know the story behind Novel Spark. I hope this project will be available in the first month of 2024, now that I have finally finished the recording process of the entire album. It is now in the mixing stage, the album will finally stop tormenting me. The time has come to let it go and continue with my trajectory.
The Story
